Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
