There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
foreskin is a definite game changer
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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