He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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