i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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