i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
