Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
