the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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