It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
