dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
