dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
