I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
