Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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