I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
