I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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