I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
