it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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