Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize