Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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