On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize