Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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