I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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