I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
