just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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