my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
