I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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