DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
