She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
