I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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