Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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