"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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