i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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