I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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