good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
