She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
