Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
