4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
