Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So much rum. So many feels.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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