So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
