did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
