I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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