i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
