I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm like, not good at living.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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