If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
