oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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