I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
