I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
