the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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