You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
