Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
