im six kinds of drunk right now
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize