I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
