Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
