She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
