somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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