Already got asked if we're dating
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
