dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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