I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
