3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
