I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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