im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
