he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you traded sex for a burrito?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
