i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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