Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
