My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
