Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
