so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
