I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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