do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
it glows. i had to have it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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