Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
