Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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